Ruining a pony, part 2: Chalkboard globes

Are globes garbage? I’ve certainly never thought so. Even if the tape around the middle is starting to come up and the Congo is called Zaire, an old globe is still a nice addition to a room…right?

WRONG! Turns out an old globe isn’t a timeless artifact; it’s just an obsolete device that needs to be “upcycled.” Globes have been ruined in many ways in the history of the internet, but the method of the moment also happens to be one of the DIY fads I love to hate: Painting them with chalkboard paint.

And what an improvement!

As crafts go, it’s kind of breathtaking in its unconscious solipsism: Obliterating continents, countries, oceans and poles in favor of “Merry Christmas Anna.”

This mom was similarly grandiose with the globe she painted for her son Charm*:

“Oh, the places you’ll go?” How’s Charm** going to go places if he doesn’t know any geography?

If you can’t think of anything to write, that doesn’t mean you have to deny your globe the coat of paint it so badly needs.

Brace yourself for this next one:

OUCH OUCH OUCH that STAND! Ouch ouch

…Some “upcyclers” do seem to remember the globe’s basic function. Kind of.

Eradicating a painstaking collection of geographical minutiae to make room for your half-assed scribbles? Fabulous! But I’m afraid South America’s feelings might be hurt.

It looks like maybe you didn’t “search the world over,” but only from New York to, like, El Paso, Texas? And what’s the point in painting the inaccurate outlines of continents on there in green paint and then drawing around them?

Here’s one more before-and-after and, just to twist the knife, a quote from the perpetrator.“I was incredibly loathe to paint this globe. I loved the colors and it was so vintage!”

Is it passe to use rage comics? Because this lower right panel.

* …
** What? Did I say anything? I did not. Stop looking at me!

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12 responses to “Ruining a pony, part 2: Chalkboard globes

  1. I can’t imagine my delight if someone gifted me with a featureless black ball that used to be an old globe. I can’t imagine it because it wouldn’t exist.

    • Ah, but could you PRETEND to like it? Or would you just gaze at them, mouth agape, until they shook you by the shoulder and asked if you were OK?

      • Yeah, I think that’s probably what I’d do. And I’d turn my head slowly and look at them and say: “You’ve ruined my childhood.” (Staring at classroom globes, spinning them around, imagining the places I’d go — that was my tv and Wii and everything.)

      • I wonder if anyone has ever written an essay for, say, the New Yorker about globes as objects. I’ve always been curious about the origins of the “black ocean” ones.

  2. In the fifth one, I don’t think South America’s feelings are hurt, so much as it’s been over taken by a prostrate duck. Who’s being serviced by the ass-kissing goat that was formerly North America.

  3. I guess I could see the appeal of taking crappy 99p plastic globes some shops sell and doing something with them but… are those people taking OLD globes and ruining them?! What?!

    This reminds me of the pain I felt when I started looking for clock movements for my other half to study (he’s a horologist-in-training) and came across the remains of a 19th century FUSEE MOVEMENT someone had pulled half the cogs out of to make “steampunk” stuff to sell, before taking the gutted corpse of the watch movement and turning it into a necklace by hot-gluing rhinestones to it and HAMMERING A NAIL THROUGH IT to attach it to a chain.

    Steampunk in quote marks, because as the song says, you can’t just glue some gears on it and call it steampunk.

    Don’t people realise they’re destroying history? Archaeologists of the future will curse us.

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