Hike up that pastry!

Did you know that cake stands are indispensable accoutrements for modern homemaking?

If you didn’t, you Cro-Magnon degenerate, I shouldn’t be talking to you, since you’re probably about to wipe a booger on my sleeve. But I’m going to cut you some slack and fill you in on the niceties of elegant living in our era.

Vintage is in (as of 1993), and with it has come the desire to create lovely party tableaux in the spirit of 1950s women’s magazines. You know, this kind of thing:

buffet

As you can see, in those days no hostess’ table was complete without some sort of elevated food. Here it seems to be not cake, but fried liver or head cheese or something,* but the classiness quotient is the same.

Modern partiers face a dilemma, though: “Many celebrations use disposable products that are destined for landfills.” Fortunately, an answer is as close as the china cabinet.

cakestand

A few plates and glasses, some E-9000 glue and voila! Your cake is elevated to the lofty heights required for true fanciness.

406 NO2
“Let’s just say I’m slightly obsessed. I’ve made 10 cake stands…yes, I said 10!” says a reporter for St. Louis Channel 4.

“One of these days I’ve got to stop buying cake stands (I’m up to a dozen),” writes another crafter.

This one’s “perfect for hen parties,” according to Etsy seller Kara:

il_570xNHen parties,” you say? Personally I think it’s better suited to a cigar bar. With scotch and not-really-joking one-upmanship, Entourage-style, and Al Pacino there in some capacity. You know, classy.

As classy as this next cake stand:
IMG_6494So dainty.

Of course, what we’re really talking about here is what I’ve called “ruining a pony” — or, at least, ruining a few nice dishes and glasses. And they know it. “There is something about the yellowy lusciousness of the porcelain that I love. Whose dinner did they hold, were they at a wedding, a christening, a funeral??” writes one ‘stander about the dishes she’s going to “recycle.” (But she went ahead with the Gorilla Glue anyway. Never trust a double-question-mark user in matters of taste.)

So if you feel a yen to jack up your angelfood, I suggest you reconsider. Or at the very least, go for maximum impact.
cakes*If you’re a fan of retro recipes like these, check out this terrific BuzzFeed video in which modern hipsters eat, or try to eat, “vintage foods.”

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5 responses to “Hike up that pastry!

  1. Dear. God. They MUST be stopped. It’s not like there’s some sort of cake-stand shortage. There are loads of gorgeous vintage cake stands out there, ready for the taking, and at very reasonable prices. Why the obsession with creating rubbish ones? This is just taking nice things and using them to make crap things. It’s like craft VD, spreading like wildfire among the uneducated.

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