The Divide

We’re in a good place today, folks. Because whatever happens with this post, at least we know we won’t wind up screaming at each other across The Divide.42708b62a3

You know, The Divide. You’ve seen it manifested at countless cocktail parties. At the company picnic. And Parent-Teacher Night? Forget it! Without fail, everyone ends up ranged on one side or the other, unable to reach some sort of detente on the subject of reusable menstrual products.

The worst, natch, is — let’s all say it together — the family wedding. First the receiving line will stall while the maid of honor describes “The Keeper” cup’s insertion method to Uncle Phil. He, meanwhile, will be waving his iPhone, trying to get her to look at a chart showing that a 10% decrease in the market for Stayfree products will economically devastate the town of Coatesville, Pennsylvania.

Over on the dance floor, the reverend will be pacing out the square footage of the typical yearly tampon haul from one — just ONE! — of Chicago’s wastewater-treatment stations.

lake-crib

A tampon-clogged water intake crib.*

Smacking him on the back of the head, the bride will give a tearful account of how, when she was 12, some boys saw blood on her shorts and called her “Aunt Flo,” triggering a lifetime of neurosis that almost kept her from wearing a white dress THAT VERY DAY.

Today, though, we can agree to agree. Because whatever you think is the greenest approach to the Red Menace, one thing brooks no argument:

* * *

YOU SHOULD NOT MAKE YOUR OWN REUSABLE MAXI PADS.

* * *

geishapad

Do geishas put pictures of Midwestern housewives on their pads?

“Why not?” you may be asking. If so, please smash up your sewing machine with a baseball bat immediately; you’ve been spending too much time hunched over a hot presser foot. And anyway, the answer is simple. It’s because:

– These ladies make their pads out of lovely fabrics and display pictures of them online.

– They dream up complicated instructions and templates and tutorials and post all of it for everyone’s edification.

– They come up with way too many different patterns: Beveled layers, foldable, “Mama Cloth,” circle, snapped.

"I sense a disturbance in the Force."

“I sense a disturbance in the Force.”

– They brood over the relative softness and resiliency of flannel, toweling, hemp silk and Wind Pro fleece.

– Someone registered the domain clothpads.org.

– They make reusable tampons too! By knitting them! A lot! Just look at the link list on this page! Knitted tampons! Augh!

IMG_19Knitted tampons… that’s just… I will say this about the padmakers, at least they aren’t doing that. Let’s finish with a little gallery of their more risible — er, toothsome creations.

6a00e54f1475463

pad_re

***

*Photo is of a water intake crib, Lake Michigan, by Alex Garcia/Chicago Tribune, from Chicago magazine. The story explains the (yucky) mystery of why the Chicago River flows backwards and why you should never move to St. Louis.

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6 responses to “The Divide

  1. Blood on the pad, blood in the vag,
    Mothers and sisters what a terrible time.
    Ole 97 went in the wrong hole,
    Now my number 60 has blood on the pad,
    Blood on the pad, blood on the pad.

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