Wedding craft fail: Neon urchins

Time for a visit to Skullcrusher Mountain, where we ask the musical question, “Isn’t it enough to know I ruined a pony with my cutesy craft idea?”

skullcrushermountain

Straight from Skullcrusher Mountain: a half-pony, half-monkey monster OF CUTENESS!

It’s possible the gals at Limn & Lovely don’t merit our attention. Their bad idea, painting sea urchin shells neon colors, isn’t too terribly disgraceful. After all, neon colors are going to be universally beloved forever. And yet somehow I see a landfill in these urchins’ futures.
urchin2Besides, this whole website is so egregious that I simply have to point out a few of its crimes. I’ll go fast. Just imagine me jabbering like an auctioneer.

Laydeez And Gentlemen! The idiots we feature today say they offer “daily loveliness for every bride,” which is bad enough, but they also refer to “your wedding planning journey.” Let’s open the bidding at 30 do I hear 30? One of them describes herself as a “world-wandering fashionista,” my God, 30 from the lady in the back do I hear 35? They call German glass glitter “The Rolls Royce of glitter,” 40 from the gentleman on the right, and their favicon looks like truck nuts:

limnI hear 50 from the lady in the back. Come now, ladies and gentlemen, you can do better than that! Let’s get those paddles in the air because these nimrods glue the glitter to fallen leaves:

glassglitterdippedleavesweb2…which, while stupid, is hardly an eco-crime, but just take another look at what they’ve done to these sea urchins…

seaurchin5Those urchins aren’t nature anymore, they have become garbage. 55 from the phone. And the site has a section profiling certain “special” couples for everyone who wishes The New York Times wedding section ran every day

weddingleaves

Leanne and Dave. She dressed her bridesmaids in brown.

…60 from the gentleman on the right, AND they even misuse the word “limn” in their site’s name, 75 from the phone, you don’t mean “limn” you mean “limned,” you twits, get it straight, especially since you claim it’s “one of Lauren’s favorite words” — do I hear 80? And where do you get off describing “limn” as an “obsolete” verb? Going once at 80, do I hear 85? 85 from the lady in the third row and yet they were featured in Glamour Weddings, 90 from the gentleman on the aisle, which I guess is fitting since they’re helping Western society gorge itself to death so they deserve some sort of recognition for it

reusable20tote20bag

Not that this kind of wedding is any better. “For your entree there’s a choice of fennel hummus, frizzled seitan in radish sauce, or poi.”

…going once at 90, do I hear 95? Going twice at 90, going, going

AND I HEAR TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS FROM THE BIDDER ON THE PHONE!

I think that closes out the bidding!

SOLD for $10,000 to the connoisseur on the phone!

urchin1I can take a check.

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One response to “Wedding craft fail: Neon urchins

  1. Just when I thought I had seen the nadir of craptacular crafting, you manage to find something new. The urchins were looking surprisingly cool in the “unfinished” photo. The “finished” photo looks like they accidentally spilled the paint on them, decided to give up, and just happened to toss in a dessicated baby octopus on their way to the landfill.

    But what upset me MOST is the “half-pony, half-monkey” monster. It is half nothing. Specifically, it is 1 pony and 3 monkeys. Stuck together. That’s not a monster, it’s a pile up on the Kinshasa highway.

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