Not a Links Post: Frozen Stuff and an Octopus

You know what? I’m gonna do it. I don’t even have an excuse; I’m just gonna slag some random, hapless little crafts that have nothing to do with landfill-reduction fantasies or the bee crisis. That’s right: I’M GOIN’ OFF TOPIC AND I’M NOT LOOKIN’ BACK!

Here’s what happened. I was looking for links and I came across this site Craftgawker — because when you think crafts, you think snarky urban gossip scoopage, even though you shouldn’t because this site is actually totally unrelated to the Gawker Empire. Stay tuned for litigious hijinks. Anyway, the crafts on this site are stupid, but not just stupid, they’re like SO stupid:

ice-block-excavationLike freeze-your-kids’-toys-in-ice-and-make-them-chip-them-out-stupid. Literally, this project is called “Ice Block Excavation.” You’re instructed to “place the block outside and let the kids chip away at the ice with plastic utensils to free the toys.” How much soul-warping rage do you have to have boiling in your subconscious to subject your kids to this “game”?

ice-cube-boatsEnough rage, apparently, to give them these doomed-to-suck ice-cube boats to play with. One thing I’ve noticed about our Pinterest/Twitter/These-Kids-Today era is that people have ideas, and then when the ideas don’t work out  — say, when the boats they try to make out of ice cubes are obviously not going to float right side up — they take a picture and put it online anyway. Often with a long explanation of how to make it, as if it wasn’t a huge failure.* I guess they don’t want all the effort they put into coming up with the bad idea, assembling it and photographing it to be for naught, just because it didn’t actually work.

octoOr because it turned out looking like a pile of spray-painted poo.

This is supposed to be a silver octopus whose tentacles provide handy storage for rings. The final project’s similarity to spray-painted poo didn’t deter the creator from putting up a long tutorial with numerous close-ups of every stage and angle.

roseOr, if you decided to try making rosewater at home by pouring boiling water over some rose petals, and you didn’t bother to record the amounts of each, and it came out “a (not-so-lovely) shade of yellow” (*coughPISScough*) and “smells ‘planty'” (*coughPISScough*) you could just put up a deceptively inoffensive pic along with several paragraphs of uninformative yakking about the whole process. Then you’d have a web page guaranteed to serve no purpose besides wasting time. “Stay tuned this summer for more as I refine my technique,” she writes. I’ll do that!

pick4Or you could come up with an idea like hand-dyed toothpicks, or as you call it, “Easy Colorful Foodpick,” that is so dopey it must have literally come to you while you were stoned — I mean, who else is going to sit around dunking toothpicks in food coloring and watching the dye creep slowly up the pick?picks3Not that they’re aesthetically offensive or anything, just WHO GIVES A SHIT JEEZ. Even so, not only do you consider the idea worth photographing step-by-step (spoiler alert: Dunk the picks in dye), but you take the trouble to translate it into (I think) Indonesian? “Warna dalam waktu yang sangat singkat!” And how.


*Like this post? Maybe.


2 responses to “Not a Links Post: Frozen Stuff and an Octopus

  1. I’m convinced that if we could redirect all this wasted energy to something actually worthwhile, we’d… probably have a load of useless people wasting time not contributing at all to something worthwhile.

    Maybe we should just be happy that these awful crafts are keeping them from doing more damage elsewhere.

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