Pallet Talk: So Speaks the Wood

One weird side note to the pallet craze is people’s fondness for bedecking pallet wood with important messages. They want the wood to speak to them — in every way.

image-92

“This si the life”

Palle

“Every excuse is a choice to fail”

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“WOD happiness Crossfit bacon”

I found some of these items on a site called “Pallets Projects are Endless!” — a claim which, grammar aside, couldn’t be more true. The process of scrubbing, sanding and wrenching apart a pallet, to say nothing of pulling out all the rusty nails (or sawing through them with a grinder — palleteers differ on the best method) would have anyone contemplating the nature of the infinite.

It’s fitting, then, that pallet wood was used to deliver this daunting declaration:

ombrecorkheartforever

This is a wedding keepsake, and a multi-trash one: The heart is formed from corks. The message, though, is like a chapter heading from my forthcoming book, Why I Don’t Want A Nuclear Family. There’s something so ominous about “Forever is Today,” even without a lifemate hovering around. Can you imagine having this in your bedroom? You wake up on a rainy day, nursing a headache, and those words smack you in the eye. It’s like an extra little jangle of the pre-caffeine doom bell.

Still, I’d take that any day over a chorus of one of the most clichéd of all pop songs…

beatles pallet 1
beatles pallet2

…ornamented with, I think, a heart. The creator sold this in her trite-slogan-themed Etsy shop, saying it “would so rock in a teen room.” Yes, the teens today are deep in the throes of Beatlemania.

Worse, though, are the times when pallet wood gets bossy. Did you shudder at “Forever is Today”? Just picture this sign — courtesy of a site called 1001pallets.com, can you believe it? — hanging opposite your bed:

wakeuppallet

Anyone who can even contemplate being awesome when they first wake up is … well, I was going to say “taking too much [insert trendy antidepressant here], but…

…what was I saying?

Anyway, I wouldn’t want to have to Wake Up & Be Awesome, but that command seems downright laid-back compared to the Kepler family’s splintery rule book.

keplerorders

Something tells me some of these orders carry more weight than others. Like, I’m betting there’s a lot more praying than reading going on in that house. And not so much use of the imagination.

Yeah, all told, I think I’d rather hang out with the Bolger clan — maybe.

bolgerrules

“Do your Best” has a nice accepting quality to it, and I’m perplexed but impressed by “pRotect each other” (from what, bears?) but the other edicts could serve as footnotes in the aforementioned Why I Don’t Want A Nuclear Family. No fighting? No LYING? If we had to obey those rules in the real world, the Internet wouldn’t exist.

If I made a pallet sign it would have the most easygoing slogan imaginable. “Reading is the Best.” “Go Ahead, Have a Donut.” “I am Rife With Dangerous Bacteria.” What would your sign say?

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4 responses to “Pallet Talk: So Speaks the Wood

  1. Well, I’m a giant nerd so my signs would have quotes from Mass Effect and Pacific Rim. And then my husband would only let me display them in the back room where no one could see them.

  2. “I am rife with dangerous bacteria” is going straight to the top of my dream slogan T-shirt pile (it’s perfect for my 8-year-old boy who refuses to accept the benefits of soap or toothpaste, despite being fully educated on the subject), followed immediately by my mother-in-law’s ingenius new nickname for my daughter, “Nerdblossom.”

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